Midnight Thoughts

We have all been through trials and tribulations. We have faced dark nights and scary times. However, there are those of us who have been to the gates of hell and back again, and for those women, those people, I have something to tell you.

You are precious to God. There has not been one minute in your life where He hasn’t been right there with you. When you were being abused, neglected, raped, beaten, tormented in your mind…… He was there with you. He felt your pain. He knew your heartache. He has seen everything you have gone through. He has wept with you, and been with you through all of those struggles. You have not been alone for one second.

You may feel damaged, but you are not broken. You are precious in the eyes of God just the way you are. He can take those experiences, the things the enemy wanted to use to destroy you, and turn them into a powerful testimony. He can use you to reach people nobody else can touch. He has a purpose for your life, even if you can’t see it. He sees you whole and complete, and His desire is for your healing. He never intended for us to walk through our lives burdened by the past. I’m not saying that you will wake up one morning and not remember anything you’ve been through, but he can use those experiences to make you stronger, more dedicated, and more able to minister to people in need.

All you need to do is get lost in Jesus. When you get lost in him, when you spend time saturated by his presence, thinking about nothing else on Earth, He can reach in and begin to peel that pain away and replace it with the knowledge that you are His infinitely precious creation. You are a pearl. Many of us learned in school how pearls were made. At the center of each pearl is a grain of sand. It causes such irritation inside the oyster that the creature coats it with layer upon layer upon layer of iridescent, luminous, gorgeously shiny material in order to ease that irritation and pain it feels. Each of us who has experienced abuse, abandonment, or violence has that grain of sand in our hearts. God, if we will allow it, can coat that pain and that agony with something that is beautiful and valuable and precious. He can take the ugliest situation and make it shine for His glory. He can indeed take what was meant for evil and turn it to His good if we will just allow him to do so. If you will trust Jesus, if you will yield your pain to His hands, and if you will allow Him to work in your heart, He can and will do for you what no man can do. He can show you what you mean to Him, give you a sense of purpose, and make what was broken whole.

Your Heart

I am doing a work
in your heart.
There are
scarred areas,
wounds from
deep-seated
hurts and fears…..
I am healing them.

I am ever so gently
removing the dead tissue
and replacing it
with flesh that is
alive,
feeling,
breathing.

I am taking away
the dead parts
that have
withered and
shriveled up from
lack of use,
lack of feeling,
and putting My love
in their place.

I am dealing with
and healing hurts,
fears,
insecurities,
and wrong ways
of thinking
that were put there
by those who hurt you
and replacing them
with thoughts of
righteousness,
purity,
holiness and
wholeness.

It is time to
say goodbye
to the past
and to set
your eyes forward –
toward what I have
for your future.

Don’t limit Me
with your mind,
with your thinking.
Keep your eyes open,
watching for the blessings
that are coming
your way.

Raise your
expectations.
Don’t hesitate to
reach for the stars.
I have put them
within your grasp.

Hold on tight
to the promises
I have given you;
yet –
don’t limit Me
only to those promises.
I have
much more for you
if you will only
prepare to receive it.

Trust Me with your heart.

©1998

Blessings

Blessings
upon blessings
upon blessings
upon blessings
upon blessings.

I am going
to bless you
more deeply,
more thoroughly,
more intensely
than you ever
thought possible.

Open your hands.
I am going to fill them
over
and over
and over again
until there is
no more room.
No more room.
Not anywhere.
No more room.

Open your heart.
I am going to fill it
with more love
than you thought
you would,
could,
should ever have.
You will have to share it.
You won’t be
able to contain it.
It will overtake you.
It will surprise you.
It will astound you.
And it will lead you
to do things you
never thought you would do.

Open your mind.
I am going to renew it.
I will put
creative ideas,
anointed thoughts,
purposes and plans
straight from the Throne Room
into your being.
You will see
as you’ve never seen before.
You will understand
like you’ve never understood before.
My ideas
will become yours.
My plans and thoughts
will become yours.
And you will become Mine.

Make yourself ready.
The doors of heaven
are fixing to open
and shower
blessing
upon blessing
upon blessing
upon blessing
upon blessing
all over you.

It’s beginning
even now.
Are you ready?
Are you believing?
Are you expecting?

©1998

Let Me

Let Me love you.
Let go of the past
and all it means to you,
the good and the bad.
There is nothing
you can do
to change what was.
It happened.
It’s over.
It is part
of who you are now,
but it does not
have to affect
who you will be.
Give it
into My hands;
let Me heal
the hurts and scars,
and remove the pain.

Let Me love you.
Let go of the future
and all it may hold for you.
Plan to live
daily.
Leave room for Me
to move in your live
and to direct your steps.
Don’t be afraid;
what I have for you
is good.
There is
no room for fear
in My love.

Let me love you.
Let go of the now.
Let Me touch your heart
in ways and places
you’ve never
let Me touch you before.
Let Me open
your eyes
to the wonder
of My love for you.

Let me love others
through you.
Rest in me.
Take joy in
My presence in your life.
Let My love
surround you,
unfold you,
sweep you away.
Stay sensitive
to My voice.
Reach out for
My hand, and
let Me lead you
into My glory.
Don’t try to
reason it out –
it is too big
for your reason.
Just listen.
Yield.
Obey.
Love Me.

And……

Let Me love you.

©1998

All I Need

Look at me.

I’m a mess.

Broken, weak, and bleeding, I make my way to the throne of grace.

I stumble over pride, shortcomings, and fear as I crawl to the feet of Jesus.

The cares of life grab at my ankles, demanding my attention, trying to distract me from my goal.

I wonder if I’ll ever make it….

Finally, exhausted and weary, I enter that most precious place – the Holy of Holies.

Everything else fades into the background when I hear the Father’s voice bidding me to come closer.

Burdens lift; encumbrances fall away; cares disappear.

All I hear is His voice.

All I want is His touch.

All I long for is His love.

His grace, mercy, and forgiveness overwhelm me. I fall on my face in reverence and gratitude. Tears flow, cleansing my spirit-man as they carry the dirt and weight of the world away with them. I am refreshed, renewed, and made clean as I submit myself to the all-consuming fire of a Holy and Righteous God.

In the overwhelming silence, saturated by the very presence of God, I am revitalized. He refills my empty cup and the Balm of Gilead flows abundantly over my wounded soul. The hurt, shame, rejection, and doubt are replaced by love, unconditional acceptance, and healing. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I am right where I need to be. This place is the only source of restoration for my battle-scarred body and strength for the journey ahead.

Most Holy Lord, please let me never forget that all I have, all I am, and all I do relies on You. Let me never place faith in my own ability or wisdom, for You are my sufficiency. Without You, I am lost. In You, I am complete and able to do what You have called me to do.

You are all I need.

©3-30-2018

Sometimes I’m not so quick at catching on

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So I was supposed to have the other half of my teeth pulled this past Friday but we were snowed in. It’s been rescheduled for May 9th and I’m on the cancellation list. After the teeth come out and the gums heal, I can get fitted for my dentures. I can’t wait till this is over. I want teeth back!!!

It’s been a rough year. My dad died this past December and, remarkably or not, I had basically no feelings about it. He was my dad, but he was dad in absentia, and there wasn’t really a relationship there. He didn’t like my kids – well, except Becky – and I have trouble with people, especially family people, who don’t like my kids for no good reason other than they don’t like them. He was a sick man both physically and mentally. I don’t have many memories of him but the ones I do have aren’t the best. I feel bad for him and I hope he found peace with God before he died. I really, honestly, don’t know if he did.
It was hard at the funeral hearing them talk about how kind he was to his grandkids. He sure wasn’t nice to my kids. He blamed them for all kinds of things and was kinda mean to them. Of course, Mom said he was abusive to me too, so it’s just a continuation of the story, I guess. I suppose the grandkids he was nice to are the ones his second family of kids had. They were probably perfect just like his girls were. They couldn’t do anything wrong in his eyes. Of course, he raised them. He wasn’t around us much and once the divorce went through I only saw him one other time until I was 18. He’d write, I heard, but Mom, bless her heart, burned the letters and kept the child support checks when he bothered to send one.
Oh well, enough of that. He’s gone now. I hope he found peace.

I’ve been struggling with my weight – still – like I have my whole life. It’s a constant battle. I eat, and then I feel bad, so I criticize myself, and then I feel bad, so I eat. See a pattern here? Yeah, me too. It’s been that way as long as I can remember – as far back as kindergarten, even. It got worse when my stepdad messed with me, jerk that he was….there are enough willing women in the world….why do some pervs have to mess up the lives and minds of poor little girls who are all innocent and stuff? They should be castrated. Seriously. Cut their parts off and let them pee through a suprapubic catheter for the rest of their lives. It’s almost comparable to the crap we go through hating ourselves and thinking we were the ones who asked for Daddy dearest to grope us, or worse….and then we have eating disorders, struggle to make friends and trust people, and are basically screwed up until we either get intensive counseling, learn to live with it, or die….

Yeah. I’m a bit introspective today. Yanno what though? This is probably good. I need to get the junk out of my brain so I can acknowledge it and stop pretending everything was fine and it’s my fault I’m 100 pounds overweight. Because it’s not my fault. I was molested and beaten and psychologically abused and neglected, and I covered my tender, scared, vulnerable little girl with fat to protect her since the people in my life who should have done that didn’t do it. I had to do something. And now, 45+ years later, I struggle with trying to unlearn this coping mechanism, and every time I get kinda going on it, something else comes up, and the mechanism kicks back into high gear and I’m at it again.

I wanna do so many things and I struggle still with the judgmental voices telling me I’m not going to succeed; I’m not going to do it right; I should have done it earlier; I should have done something else; I’m aiming too high or not high enough; those voices get so firmly ingrained in your psyche it’s almost impossible to get them to shut up. I’m not saying it can’t be done. What I’m saying is that it’s really hard and you need lots of support and a cheering section, and my small cheering section and sometimes not so strong support people struggle right now to get from day to day, so that….well, it ain’t going all that well, okay? I’m lucky sometimes to get from morning till night without wanting to just give up.

But I can’t give up. God won’t let me. He loves me, and He hangs on to me even when my hand goes all floppy-like and I’m dragging my feet and bawling and whining and having one big fat grand pity party, and He sits down and holds out his hands and then He hugs me and lets me cry and He comforts me and tells me it’ll be okay, that He’s not gonna judge me because I’m overweight or because I take narcotics for pain or because I only have 11 teeth or because of my thinning hair or because I pick at my sores….or because my youngest daughter won’t let me see her kids, or because we can’t afford to go on a vacation and I really, really, really need one…He loves me anyhow. He’s gonna be here no matter what happens or who craps on me or what breaks or how rotten I feel. He’s right here next to me no matter what. And He tells me I’m not a loser and I’m not ugly and I’m not useless or worthless, and it gets into the cracks in my lumpy, glued up heart, and I know for a minute or two again that I’m gonna make it, and I’m strengthened enough to go on and tackle the next battle.

I’m going to write my book and I’m going to have it published and someone is going to read it and be helped…..inspired…..motivated…..encouraged…..strengthened…..and they’ll be able to go on for another day because I shared my story. It’s going to happen. I’m not giving up. I will succeed.

God bless us all, and hug us in His arms, and love us just because we’re His. 

Amen.