Precious

You are precious to God.

A long time ago, before the foundation of the earth, He knew you. He knew the circumstances that would surround your birth. He knew about your childhood. He was aware of all you would experience in your life. He knows about the hurts, the disappointments, the hopes and the dreams.
What you have experienced, and what you will experience in the future, is no surprise to Him.

He has plans for you – plans far beyond anything you could imagine. All He asks of you is willingness, yieldedness, and obedience. He will open the doors, set the wheels in motion, bring things into alignment and establish them in such a way that you and those around you will know it has to be a God-thing. There will be no room for doubt.

He desires intimacy with you beyond what you have known before. He desires to bring you into the secret place, where you can revel in His presence and let go of the concerns of this world. He wants you to draw close and get hungry for Him in a way you never have.

God loves you. You have a special place in His heart. He has plans for you – ministry, family, blessing, and prosperity. You have only just scratched the surface of what He has for you.

Press in. Get hungry. Seek His face, and He will meet you. Cling to His word and His promises – they will come to pass.

His timing is perfect. His will is good. His heart for you is blessing. Yield to Him; let Him lead and guide you into what He has in store for you – His child.

Vacuity

Silence explodes
enveloping my world
like the mushroom cloud of an atom bomb
now that I am here
without you.

In youth I craved solitude –
the stillness, a lack of expectation,
no mindless chatter to clutter my thoughts….
now, like an old friend who has
outworn his welcome,
its presence dogs my steps
and demands my attention.

The emptiness created by your absence
overwhelms me.
I wander aimlessly,
night flowing into day,
nothing making sense.

There is no reality for me
any more
but the chasm of your loss.

I am alone.

Gratitude

Your smile lingers in my mind.
I can still recall the sparkle in your eye
and the sound of your laughter.

Memories comfort me
when missing you threatens
to overtake my heart.

I remember how we laughed
and loved
and gave each other strength
in the hard times…
how much we cherished
not being alone
any more.

We didn’t have it easy.
Our lives were constantly
challenged by circumstances
that could have broken our spirits
or even our bond….
but we had been through worse,
and we knew how precious
our togetherness was,
so instead they made us
stronger.

I look back
and think of the things
you did for me out of love,
things you wouldn’t have done
for yourself –
the vegetable garden,
that silly chicken coop –
and I realize you did those
because you wanted to show me
how much I meant to you.

I hope you understood
how much your love changed me.
I hope you knew being with you
made me a better person.

Thank you for loving me.

Interment day

The silence was palpable
as I placed your ashes in their niche.
I wonder –
did they see me kiss your urn
or hear me say, “I love you”?

I should have spoken at the committal ceremony
but I didn’t know what to say.
How can you sum up years of memories
in a 15 minute window?
What could I have done
to show what our time together
meant to me?

You taught me unconditional love,
acceptance without judgement,
sacrifice,
faithfulness,
devotion,
humility,
all parts of what love should be –
the kind I’d never known before.

You helped me accept myself
for who and what I was
instead of feeling like my life
had been a series of failures.

You loved my children as your own
and cherished our grandchildren
as much as they did you.

You were a living example to me
of a godly man
even though you never claimed to be one.
You didn’t have to –
your actions spoke volumes.

There was no way
to put that into words
so I left it unspoken.
Your life spoke for itself
in those who loved you.

emptiness

I searched for you in the night
and my hand only met the air.

I listened for the sound of your breathing
but heard my own instead.

I made your favorite meal –
somehow it’s just not the same.

When we were first in love
I remember telling you I’d like to
open you us and
crawl in next to your heart.
Now I feel as if
I’m the one who’s been dissected,
left with a gaping hole in my life,
my consciousness,
my being,
where you used to live.

Sometimes it’s almost unbearable
going through the days without you.
I’m like a robot executing
expected movements without emotion
…….except I miss you
so badly it hurts.

simply be

silent tears
wash over my heart,
unseen by those who think
i’m taking this well.

so strong, they say;
so full of faith,
resolve and determination.

what they do not know about
are the hours i spend
staring into the darkness
not knowing what to do next,
whether to stay or go,
wander or settle down,
and how my whole being
longs for the sound of your voice,
the sight of your smile,
just one more time……

i struggle to make sense
of how quickly you were gone.
my whole life is topsy-turvy,
refusing to make sense.

and so,
with the wisdom born of experience,
i will choose
to do nothing
until what I should do
presents itself clearly.

i will simply
be.